Thursday, May 26, 2005
Yes, I did it and gave in to my scrapper friend's peer pressure and created my own blog site. Thanks Kim, Cori, Chris, Shawn, Flo and Tanya! I said I wasn't going to do it because I didn't have the time, but here I am creating my own blog site. I can't say it will be all that interesting. My life is pretty boring at the moment. I don't have any kids so you won't find me telling any cute kid stories. I'm not married so there go the amusing doings of a husband. I'm currently not dating anyone so there go those lovey dovey stories. So what do I have to offer here, well not a whole lot. Just myself and my random thoughts running around in a single girl's head. I do like to journal and have kept one on and off for most of my life.
I had a diary has a preteen, then quit journaling when I filled that little brown diary, with that not so private lock and key, up. Looking back now why do they even place those locks that all use the same key or can be picked my any nosy Mom in a second, on those cute little girl diaries anyway? Like they ever kept anyone out that really wanted to read the goings on of any pre teen girl? I am sure mine was picked a time or two and I never knew it.
So I quit journaling when it was used up, but then in high school as a theatre arts assignment I had to keep a journal for an entire semester. I started off as a timid writer knowing my teacher would be reading what I wrote, but as time went by I eventually got painfully honest with my thoughts and found it very therapeutic. By the end of the semester I was hooked. I found an outlet to release my soul. I didn't have many close friends in high school and because of some painful past experiences with girls my own age, I found it difficult to tell them about my life or my thoughts so I wrote, and wrote and wrote. I have both those diaries to this day and every one I wrote in afterwards.
So now it is 2005 and here I am typing my thoughts away for the whole world to read. Imagine that! Who knew? Certainly not private me. Well I am sure there are things that will still remain private but everything else will be game.
Work is extremely busy right now and only going to get busier. But I love what I do. It's strange I never thought I would enjoy paperwork, and sitting behind a desk all day long, but I do. It is challenging and fun all at the same time. A world away from that costume designing job in Hollywood that I dreamed about when I was in high school and College, but then again I never thought I would be 38 and still single either. Oh well. Maybe I am meant to be single forever, who knows? Certainly not me. Kind of a heart breaking thought, but one I must face at this age in life. Lately the thought has gotten me into a funk and a little depressed. I see these married people around me with their perfect little families in their warm inviting homes, and I admit I am jealous. I wanted that life, I want that life. I want all of those loving family moments and all of the heartbreaks that go with it. I want a family of my own, and as I face the thought of living the rest of my life out like I am now and it does not make me very happy. It just makes me sad and a little more lonely every day. Maybe its just this time of year, when all my friends seem to be going on family vacations, having family cook outs, and looking forward to spending the summer doing wonderful things with their kids, and I still just have me and my 4 cats that I am extremely allergic to. I always dreamed of quitting my job and being a stay at home Mom. But it appears I will spend the rest of my life working and coming home to an empty apartment.
Heck I found out this week my best friend's little sister who was born when we were in 8th grade and who is now married is pregnant. I am happy for her, but sad for me. I remember when she was 13 and in 8th grade herself, I lived with her for most of that year and loved every minute I got to play "mom" with her and her friends. I knew after that I would be a great mom one day, but who knew that one day would never happen for me? Who knew that kid would go on to get married and pregnant before I did? Not me. Everyone's life seems to grow and change around me, and I find myself stuck in this proverbial life holding pattern. Knowing I must face the fact I may never find my one true love. Why is that? What do I do to drive men away, or keep them away? It must be something I do. It must be the way I look, act, dress, something! I wish I knew. I wish I could get passed this unhappiness that eats away at my heart right now. I wish I could find a way to quit looking at what everyone has and what I don't and be happy again.