Saturday, January 21, 2006
Thanks to my wonderful friend Kim for giving me in the kick in the pants I needed to stop thinking bad thougths about buying my new home. She has this wonderful way to be harsh and yet loving at the same time. What would I do without ya Kim! Too bad you live so far away. I would take you our for a rita as a thank you. My other friend has not forgiven me as far as I can tell, but there is nothing I can do about that. I have not heard from this person in nearly three weeks now. How does one go from talking to someone for nearly every day for over year to not talking at all? I have asked for forgiveness but I guess that is not part of the plan. If friend's can not get upset with each other and express their feelings when needed especially when they are overwhelmed with so much going on in their live's and then later forgive, what did you have to start with? I know what I thought I had. I still want to hope for the best in this situation and I am trying everything I can to not go down the angry road. It takes a lot to get me real angry and hurting my heart is something that can do it.
But I am praying that I never go down that road. Soooooo on to the home update!
It is nearly finished. I am taking my mom out today to go look at it. Not much left to do besides the energy star blow test and repair the leaking guest toilet and replace the flooring and cabinet in there. Oh yes there are little things to do, but those will be pointed out during the walk through.
My apartment is a disaster zone. Boxes everywhere! I pray this is my last move all by myself. I want the next move to be because I am getting married or I am married. LOL. See Kim thinking positive thoughts now! I still have to get the electricity thing worked out next Monday, but all other utilities are turned on. I have to go to the post office for a change of address notification and then start the process to notify everyone of my new address. Let alone my email address will change. UGH! So many websites to update.
I will email everyone my temp email address asap.
Off to the house!
Monday, January 16, 2006
I know I should be happy that this date is set now, but I am still very stressed. My house will be "complete" Jan 24rth with the first walk through Jan 25th. Hopefully there are only little things to fix so I can do the close walk through the morning of the 27th so I can close the afternoon of the 27th. Then I can start moving little thing on my own that night and the movers come on the 28th. I still have to arrange for all the utilities to be turned on. Get the money order for the title company. And pray this whole thing does not fall apart in front of my eyes.
I guess deep down I don't think this can really happen to me. Why would anyone let me buy a house? I keep thinking or over thinking when I walk in to close they are going to say "sorry we can't underwrite you" and then I have no place to live. My apartment has already leased out and I have to be out the first. I have stressed myself out from this worry and then I added to it with the situation with my friend. This should be the happiest time of my life and all I do is cry.
I went to the Maverick's basketball game tonight with my brother and it was everything I could do to not cry all evening. I tried to stay focused on the game so I would stop over analyzing all the stupid things I said and did, but then I would find myself thinking and I would tear up. How does one remove a heartache? Right now all I do is cry and pray. I am the sort of person that needs closure. I need resolution to get better. I get upset and then need work it out with that person to move on from the pain. I am trying to stay focused on the house.
And the latest update is : sprinkler system in, gutters on, float for wood flooring down..
What I see that is left to do - landscaping and gas meter installed, electricity turned on, wood floors installed (WED) carpeting( Thursday) , stove installed, new sink faucet installed, all the door knobs installed, still need front door, closet rod and brackets installed, mirrors installed, and the r38 attic insulation blown in. Count down is well underway.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I spent the day shopping yesterday for items for the house. I was on a "looking" spress but something happened and it turned into a buying a spree. I think it is an old habit when I am upset, go shopping! Now the house gives me an excuse. I bought the most beautiful rugh yesterday for my kitchen from Pottery barn! It is the palampore rug in red. When I saw it I knew it was the rug for me but it was expensive. I actually saw the rug friday night and wanted to show it to my mom on saturday. It wasn't on sale friday night so I was going to wait until it did go on sale to buy it. When we got to the store on Saturday the 8 x 10 rug was on sale for $399 ( reg price $599) They had one in the back out of its wrapping and pulled it out front saturday to sale it! Just my luck! And I had a $100 gift certificate to use. So I got this beautiful red,green and perfectly mathcing gold rug for $332 with taxes! Woohoo! My kitchen will look wonderful when I move. The living room is a whole other story! LOL
I have a pictur eon my head for the living room, but I need to work on it after I move in.
Every have that moment you wish you could recapture words spoken to someone close to your heart. I have one of those moments a little over a week ago. I do not know what got into me, but I said things I wish I could take back.. I do not know if it was just one of those PMS days or the mounting stress of building and buying my first home all on my own or what. How come in that moment of extreme stress in your life you lash out to the ones you love most? So not only now do I have the sress of closing on this house, trying to find home insurance (and now the friend I most want to ask about such things I have made it impossible to ask), make sure all the little details in the house get fixed before I close, changing banks, changing all my auto pay accounts, notifying everyone I am moving that needs to know, forwarding mail, getting the paperwork yet again over to the underwriters, turning on all of my utilities, arranging for movers, which involves calling around for quotes, and stay on top of my every growing mound of things to do at work, I have destroyed the most important relationship/friendship in my life. Why do I over think my life? Why do I force people away?
That is what did, and my heart is struggling to get over the ramifications of my actions. I miss my friend. Why did I say those things? I just do not know. Did I mean them, no. I never thought this person would just walk away. Promises were made. Maybe this was my attempt to say if they meant what they really said. My stupid test to see if anyone every really means they will be a part of my life for always. No one else has ever lived up to that promise. In the back of my mind I can't see how anyone would ever want to always be a part of my life. No one else has ever stuck around so why would this person. I guess it's easier if I give them a way out first and that is what I did. Not knowing that this person would just close the door and walk away without a backwards glance. I have been cut off and locked out. I wish I knew what to do now. I wish I could make my heart stop hurting but I can't. I try to not think about the situation since there isn't anything I can do now. When I am alone at home all I think about is what a mess I have made. How dumb I was , and I pray one day this person will forgive me and give me another chance, but I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never hear from or see this person ever again and I need to find a way to accept that. I am not sure that will be possible. One can not fix a crack, you can repair over it but that crack will always be there.
I pray I can make it through the next few weeks. That will be hard to because I wanted to share the joy of buying this house with this person and now I can't and that adds to my broken heart.