Sunday, January 15, 2006

Regrets

Every have that moment you wish you could recapture words spoken to someone close to your heart. I have one of those moments a little over a week ago. I do not know what got into me, but I said things I wish I could take back.. I do not know if it was just one of those PMS days or the mounting stress of building and buying my first home all on my own or what. How come in that moment of extreme stress in your life you lash out to the ones you love most? So not only now do I have the sress of closing on this house, trying to find home insurance (and now the friend I most want to ask about such things I have made it impossible to ask), make sure all the little details in the house get fixed before I close, changing banks, changing all my auto pay accounts, notifying everyone I am moving that needs to know, forwarding mail, getting the paperwork yet again over to the underwriters, turning on all of my utilities, arranging for movers, which involves calling around for quotes, and stay on top of my every growing mound of things to do at work, I have destroyed the most important relationship/friendship in my life. Why do I over think my life? Why do I force people away?

That is what did, and my heart is struggling to get over the ramifications of my actions. I miss my friend. Why did I say those things? I just do not know. Did I mean them, no. I never thought this person would just walk away. Promises were made. Maybe this was my attempt to say if they meant what they really said. My stupid test to see if anyone every really means they will be a part of my life for always. No one else has ever lived up to that promise. In the back of my mind I can't see how anyone would ever want to always be a part of my life. No one else has ever stuck around so why would this person. I guess it's easier if I give them a way out first and that is what I did. Not knowing that this person would just close the door and walk away without a backwards glance. I have been cut off and locked out. I wish I knew what to do now. I wish I could make my heart stop hurting but I can't. I try to not think about the situation since there isn't anything I can do now. When I am alone at home all I think about is what a mess I have made. How dumb I was , and I pray one day this person will forgive me and give me another chance, but I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never hear from or see this person ever again and I need to find a way to accept that. I am not sure that will be possible. One can not fix a crack, you can repair over it but that crack will always be there.
I pray I can make it through the next few weeks. That will be hard to because I wanted to share the joy of buying this house with this person and now I can't and that adds to my broken heart.

1 comment:

Kim said...

Oh No!
Good friends FORGIVE, and I will hope that your friend understands and will forgive you. Hopefully s/he will read this or hopefully you will be strong enough to call or e-mail him/her with this message so s/he can know how truly sorry you are!!